Confronting Life's Challenges With Poise, Looking Forward to the Future

Pictured is a cityscape of Hong Kong. (Photo by Anthony Kwan/Getty Images)

[People News] Recently, a tragic family incident occurred in Taikoo Shing, Hong Kong. A mother and daughter had a dispute over educational issues, which led the mother to tragically take her own life by jumping from a building. The daughter, profoundly affected by this event, also jumped to her death the following day. The family also includes a grandmother and a father, and in light of such a devastating family change, how can one endure this pain?

In Hong Kong, it is common for parents to argue with their children over the pressures of homework. Many of my friends and relatives often express their frustrations about staying up late to help their children with assignments. Why is there so much homework in primary and secondary schools that it becomes an unbearable burden for children? And why does this issue lead to endless suffering for the entire family, even resulting in conflicts? These are complex social issues that cannot be easily addressed in just a few words.

The traditional Chinese imperial examination system is inherently competitive, where years of diligent study can lead to success in an instant. This cultural legacy has established a system in Hong Kong, Macau, and Taiwan where academic competition is a routine part of life. Unless this system changes, Chinese children will continue to endure difficult times.

Changing the system is challenging; the only alternative is to adapt to it. Otherwise, one is bound to experience suffering. To adapt to the system, one must first gain an understanding of its fundamental nature. The essence of this system is competition, so it is essential to first temper one's competitive mindset. To do this, one must lower their expectations for their child's future.

Some children set very high expectations for themselves from an early age, which is certainly commendable; they should be allowed to strive for their goals. On the other hand, some children do not have high expectations for their future, or they may not even understand what the future entails. In such cases, it is better to encourage them to relax, be more at ease, and go with the flow. This approach helps to avoid adding more pressure on top of an already challenging system.

When my family and I first arrived in this area, we faced significant life pressures. Both my wife and I worked during the day, and when I returned home, I had to manage my column while my wife was always busy with endless household chores. At that time, we simply did not have the extra energy to oversee our children's homework. Therefore, I advised my wife not to compete for first or second place; as long as our children's grades were average, that was sufficient. If they failed an exam, we would just encourage them to avoid repeating a grade. In reality, repeating a grade is not a major issue; it mainly results in wasting a year.

Consequently, both of our children did not encounter many problems, and we rarely argued at home about homework and grades. Unfortunately, when my daughter started elementary school, she enrolled in a prestigious church school, where the pressure of homework and grades was intense. The teachers frequently wrote in the handbook to urge us, and every month or two, they would call in parents, speaking earnestly and employing both gentle and firm tactics, demanding our cooperation with the school. One time, I became frustrated and confronted the teacher directly, stating that we did not want to impose too much pressure on our child. This remark angered the teacher, and from that point on, they ceased summoning us and writing in the handbook, leaving us to navigate the situation on our own.

My daughter's academic performance is quite average, and when she was promoted to secondary school, she was assigned to He Dong Girls' Industrial School. My wife was very disappointed, so I tried to comfort her by saying, 'It's alright; this school has produced a renowned female writer, Yi Shu.' My wife also worries about our daughter's future, and I reassured her that even if she doesn't get into university, she can always work at Giordano selling clothes; she won't go hungry in Hong Kong.

What I said was merely to comfort my wife. I came to Hong Kong from the mainland at the age of thirty, and due to the Cultural Revolution, I didn't graduate from secondary school either; I had to start from the bottom. Whether I succeed or not depends on my own efforts, determination, and resilience, and whether I can persevere until the end. I told her that we may not be as accomplished as others, but we can only do our best, and the rest is left to fate.

If we had remained in Hong Kong, my daughter's fate would likely have been similar to what I anticipated. Fortunately, we immigrated before 1997, and my daughter came to Canada, where she has thrived in the education system, progressing to university without much burden. As for what happens next, it will be entirely up to her.

I share these past experiences not to demonstrate my insight into problems (some of my thoughts back then were driven by life's pressures), but to advise today's parents that when it comes to their children's education, they might as well 'broaden their horizons' (a line from a poem by Lao Mao). In other words, don't just focus on immediate scores; recognise the child's potential and the limitless possibilities for their future.

In reality, the academic pressure faced by children is significantly shaped by societal influences. Teachers do not intentionally exert pressure; they themselves are under pressure from the school, which is also affected by societal expectations, all of which stem from the collective pressures experienced by parents. As long as this cultural mindset persists, the pressure will remain. One cannot escape pressure; rather, one must adapt and find coping strategies.

A key coping strategy is to maintain realistic expectations for children. If a child excels academically and enjoys a smooth life, that is their blessing; if a child has limited abilities and does not put in enough effort, leading to future hardships, that is the consequence of their actions. Parents have already fulfilled their responsibilities by bringing their children into the world, raising them, and educating them to adulthood. They cannot control their children’s entire lives; when it is time to let go, they must do so. Holding on will not change the outcome.

I often remind my wife that our own parents did not manage our entire lives either. After graduating from high school, we left home, navigated the tumult of the Cultural Revolution, and faced numerous hardships as farmers. What challenges have we not endured? Yet, we survived, each finding work to support our families. The paths we have taken are the same paths our children will eventually follow. We have our own ways of navigating life, and they will have theirs. We cannot oversee their entire lives.

Looking ahead, everything that children today go through is just a prelude to their long lives. The pressures they will face in the future far exceed the academic challenges they encounter now. They must experience, overcome, and conquer all difficulties on their own; no one can assist them. Even graduating from prestigious universities does not exempt them from work-related stress and life challenges.

In simpler terms, children's education should follow a natural path. It should not only emphasise academic performance but also focus on moral education and character development. We should avoid creating suffering for them and instead provide more happiness, as a well-rounded personality requires both the challenges of hardship and the nurturing of joy.

Adapted from (author's Facebook) △